What happens when you break up with a narcissist

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How am I supposed to understand all this? He is arrogant and truly believes that all people he is, or was, close to can still be manipulated despite the passing of time They will ignore the boundaries that you try to set. I needed him back desperately because i loved him so much. While it may not bring change automatically, a break up will certainly leave a mark on a narcissist.

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years, living together for 2. This may sound daunting — being with a narcissist can use up a lot of energy and make you timid around new people. Focus on her now, she is your girlfriend.

What to expect after leaving your narcissist and going no contact

When you bring about the cessation of the relationship with a narcissist you are damaging his or her primary source of fuel narcissistic supply if you have been allocated the role of primary source. The primary source is usually an intimate partner although sometimes it may be a family member. The damage caused by this loss of a primary supplier of fuel means that the narcissist must effect hoovers to try and gain fuel and exert his or her control over you. It is a rare creature indeed that might be able to state that he or she has never experienced a Follow-Up Hoover. Should you manage to escape us, then you will be subjected to the might and the blitzkrieg that is the Initial Grand Hoover, so long as we know a way to contact you of course. It can be stated with certainty that should you weather the storm of the Initial Grand Hoover then you will be subjected to Follow-Up Hoovers at some later stage. If you escape us, you may have a period of calm as we turn to different sources of fuel, but that does not mean that we have given up the ghost. Furthermore, if you have been discarded then you can expect a Follow-up Hoover at a future point. The scope, extent and the timing of the Follow-Up Hoover depends on a number of factors, foremost of which is the consideration as to which school your narcissist originates from, whether he or she is of the lesser, mid-range or greater variety. The Lesser, lacking the guile and the energy to embark on a sophisticated campaign of Follow-Up Hoovers is more likely to apply his or her mind to the acquisition where there has been escape or the embedding where there has been discard of a new primary source. The Follow-Up Hoover needs you to wander into the nearest spheres of influence to cause him to consider the expending of energy to draw that delicious hoover fuel from you. The Mid-Range of our kind will be similarly pre-occupied but is prepared to put more effort into the Follow-Up Hoover and your wandering into the further spheres of influence will also trigger his interest. With the Greater of our kind it is not a question of If, but rather when the Follow-Up Hoover will take place. Post escape or post discard, we will busy with the new primary source that we have managed to secure and also feeding from our numerous supplementary sources, but should there be any alteration in the fuel levels from these two sources then this will trigger recollection of you in our mind the sixth sphere of influence and this alone will prompt us to look to apply a Follow-Up Hoover against you to draw some further fuel. Should you make the mistake of straying into any of the other five spheres of influence then you will trigger a Follow-Up Hoover from the Greater of our kind. Not only is there the prospect of that remarkable and delicious hoover fuel but there is a score to settle. If you escaped us, we want you back and giving us fuel as the golden period comes calling again, but this is just a ruse. We are waiting with a harsher more brutal devaluation in order to punish you for your treachery. If we discarded you, the position is no different, all that has altered is our reasoning. In this case, you were discarded because you let us down with the provision of fuel. We hoover you through this follow-up on a benign basis in order to give you a chance to what to expect when you break up with a narcissist things right, but lurking in the background is the waiting punishment of the harsher devaluation because you got it wrong the first time. The other factor in determining when this particular hoover will take place is again down to you. Should you sail too close to us in this post Initial Grand Hoover period then you will provoke a Follow-Up Hoover because you have put yourself in our line of sight once again by entering the spheres of influence. You may not even have to speak to us, but rather be seen by us somewhere or post something on social media which causes you to appear like a blip on our radar and we sense the prospect of hoover fuel. This will send you hurtling into our mind once again. Ordinarily, once we have sought out the new primary source fuel and we are engaged in seducing that person and binding them to us, we are too occupied with draining the positive fuel from this source and enjoying the positive in the main fuel that originates from the supplementary sources we will be relying on as well. We may be engaged repairing the damage you have done to our fuel supplies as a consequence what to expect when you break up with a narcissist your implementation of No Contact and as a consequence you fall from our mind. We jettison any thoughts of you and erase any memory of you as it no longer serves us any purpose. We know you often think about us after the relationship has ended even when you have made that decision to bring it to a conclusion and we know that you cannot help but be engulfed in the memories of our relationship when we discard you. We however do not think about you in the immediate aftermath. You no longer serve a purpose for us. We have a new primary source to think about. We have various supplementary sources to consider. The only time we will think about you, in the immediate aftermath, is when something triggers the opportunity for us to attempt to obtain some potent hoover fuel from you. This trigger is generated by you doing something to come within one of our spheres of influence the first five -we do not just think of you yet as per the sixth sphere and you come within our range once again and thus the memory of all the fuel you provided us will flood into our minds and we will attempt a Follow-Up Hoover. Once the initial aftermath has passed, usually a number of months, you remain at risk. You may enter one of the spheres of influence the first give by reason of you doing something or you may just appear in our mind the sixth sphere for no good reason. Any of these could trigger a Follow-Up Hoover. The frequency of these hoovers depends on the relevant narcissist but in some instances they will keep happening month and after month and for years. In other instances you may hear nothing for ten years and then a Follow-Up Hoover will take place. Of all the hoovers, this is the hardest to predict when it will occur but you do play a large part in being the catalyst for them. The Follow-Up Hoover also comes in two forms, benign and malign. The benign form is used by all of our kind and is the one that is most recognised. It is there to win you back and resume the relationship as we seek to seduce you all over again. We may try repeated benign hoovers over a period of time again influence by your presence in the spheres of influence and the relevant fuel provision at that time from other sources. The Lesser and Mid-Range tend to deal in the benign hoovers the most. The Greater of our kind use them too, but if these benign Follow-Up Hoovers do not cause you to re-connect then the Greater, especially, will switch to savage and Malign Hoovers in order to draw negative fuel. These naturally are not applied in order to resume the relationship, seduce you and gather positive fuel again, but rather to punish you for resisting us, to hurt you and to smear you through the nasty nature of these Follow-Up Hoovers. The actual content of the Follow-Up Hoover varies considerably with all manner of different methodologies applied, for both Benign and Malign but that is a topic for a different occasion. What can be stated however is that you will invariably face at least one Follow-Up Hoover and some of you will have experienced dozens. My several narcissistic, ex-boyfriends covered the spectrum, depending upon how severe their narcissism was, if they were overt vs. The second time he left me a long voice mail message telling he how much he loved me and I fell for this and stayed. He later dumped me on his own terms. If anything, he had become even more sadistic and angry over the years which makes sense because they always play the victim and never look at their part in why their life is not working. My advice to you is to trust your gut and not be a fool like I was and just do it. Then sever social media ties, block his phone number, etc. Remember they usually resurface again; one of my exes reached out to me after about 25 years. My life experience makes me uniquely equipped to answer this question. My mother and incidentally, my sister was a textbook narcissist. So they married, I was born, she miscarried another baby one year later, bore my sister the following year, and then he left her. My mother was crazy and neurotic, so I can understand why he had to leave, especially considering that he was still a child himself who had no idea what he was into. She quickly made up molestation charges, alleging that my then 25-year-old dad had molested my less than 1-year-old sister. Narcissists are extraordinarily skillful manipulators; she enlisted a what to expect when you break up with a narcissist pediatrician to back up her claims. Then, she took me about 3 years old now to a police counselor who showed me lots of dolls and posters about private parts that I only very vaguely remember, which ultimately culminated in me still 3 years old testifying in court that I saw my dad molest my sister, who was obviously still too young to even speak. For 5 years, my sister and I were cut off, then restricted to state-supervised visits, with not only my father, but also his entire side of the family. Fortunately, after 5 years, a judge threw out the ridiculous charge, but the damage was done. My mother died of breast cancer about 10 years ago, alone except for my sister and me. I told him we needed to talk about some things since I hadn't seen any Improvement. He loved intimidating me by yelling at me, which did not intimidate me one bit. I kept calm and said everything I needed to say in a respectful calm voice. I tried what to expect when you break up with a narcissist set the scene for him, but it was literally like trying to talk to a 7 year old. Speaking of back up plans, I had told my best friend that if he gets a call from me, I'll be in a store down the street if I had to jump out my bathroom window to get to the fire escape for my apartment. Try writing down bullet points to cover that way if you're significant other tries a distraction scenario, you can pick up and continue your break up. Do your research before you break up with a narcissist, do your research. Plan for the worst case scenarios. Have back-up plans, and more back-up plans, and more back-up plans. The first thing they will want is to remain friends. They will use you to help fill their narcissistic supply. If you are the one ending the relationship they may cut off contact completely as a way to punish you. Narcissists can't stand not being in control, so they may try tactics to emotionally abuse you such as the silent treatment to get a response from you. The best thing you can do after breaking up with a narcissist is to cut off contact yourself. That means no phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, any of it. Unfollow them, delete their number and contact information and never look back.

Most importantly, you're going to need to focus on yourself, Orloff says. So much so, that I called my brother to ask what he said. In some way shape or form, they will want to return to your life. I have attracted narcissists to me quite a bit because I am a codependent but also caring I like to think. It took me many times to get here. The only way they can change is seriously an exorcism or having Devine intervention—no lie! If you're married or have any joint belongings, experts recommend hiring a lawyer who has handled divorce cases involving narcissistic spouses. He accused me of not telling him beforehand I was canceling on him.